Message to Bosses: Don’t Send Facebook Friend Requests to Subordinates

Q: I started a new job recently and wasn’t surprised to receive Facebook friend requests from a few coworkers. These I promptly accepted.

However, I was surprised to get a friend request from my boss, who, by the way, seems to already be friends with my coworkers. I don’t want to be rude, but I prefer not to be friends with him on Facebook. Is there a graceful way to decline?

A: First, let me send a message to bosses out there: Don’t send Facebook friend requests to your subordinates. The problem is not because they’ll have to watch what they post, as when their mom and grandma “friends” them. The problem is the asymmetry of power: bosses have more, subordinates have less. Whereas, they could probably say no to Mom, they’re less likely to say no to you. So, don’t put them in an uncomfortable position. Just as you wouldn’t invite yourself over to their Sunday family dinner, don’t send friend requests.

Now, back to your question. Can you decline his request? Well, you could say something like “Let’s connect on LinkedIn instead”, and hope that it suffices. But depending on the culture of your new workplace, it sounds like it may be best to accept the request and clean up your Facebook account –as you surely would have already done since while job hunting for this job. And going forward, think of Facebook as a completely public space (which is the safest thing, really).

Interestingly, did you know that how you feel about “friending” your boss might be distinctly affected by how old you are? In a study from the University of Pennsylvania they found that “72% percent of young people between the ages of 18 and 34 (millennials) said they are comfortable being Facebook friends with their bosses, whereas mid-career workers between 35 and 54 tended to think connecting with their bosses on Facebook would be “inappropriate.”” So if you’re over 35 and have joined an organization with a younger workforce that might explain the actions of your boss and coworkers, and explain your own discomfort. Which I share.

Lastly, whatever you decide, do not ignore the request. THAT would be rude.