Q: For most of this year one of my coworkers has been caring for his Mom who’s getting treatment for cancer. For him, this holiday season will be full of worry and uncertainty. But, life goes on for the rest of the department and -just like we do every year- everyone is making plans discussing what they’ll do over the holidays. That is, unless he’s around, then we change the subject. We’re self-conscious and don’t know how to talk about the holidays when someone has cancer, so we ignore it. Any ideas on how to get over the awkwardness?
A: This is a really thoughtful question. And the premise is that it’s not okay to ignore that someone is going through a hard time in their life. That’s laudable. So, let’s try to unpack it.
The example you give is about a parent with cancer, but there are myriad of ways why the holidays might not be a joyous time for someone. Maybe this is the first Christmas without your kids after a divorce, or maybe it’s the anniversary of a loss. Regardless of the nature of the hardship, there are ways that we as coworkers can be supportive and show we care.
Don’t exclude. You mean well by changing the subject when discussing holiday plans, but by doing so you are excluding him from normal water cooler conversation. By all means dial down the “joy” volume if it feels uncomfortable, but don’t completely change the subject and deprive him of a chance to banter.
Express interest in his plans but don’t pry. “Are you having Christmas dinner with your Mom this year?” might be a bit too direct. But an indirect comment like “The holidays are such a busy but special time of the year, hope you find some rest and peace between commitments” or something similar.
Don’t pressure him to participate. Sometimes we think we know what someone needs to “get in the holiday spirit”. Perhaps inviting over for dinner, attending a party or singing carols. The truth is, only they know what they need. So let them decide by offering open-ended options. Try “It would be great if you came but if you don’t I understand” or “You’re welcome to join us” instead of “You must come! you’ll have a great time”.
Hope these ideas help. It would be interesting to hear from those going through hardship. How do you want your coworkers to treat you during the holidays?
©Copyright Eva Del Rio
Eva Del Rio is creator of HR Box™ – tools for small businesses and startups. Send questions to Eva@evadelrio.com
